It's the Period of Calm

Calmness... serenity... tranquility...
that's the picture that i paint -
that's what the whole world sees:
just calmness... serenity... tranquility...

But what lies inside me is a cauldroon of fire:
churning and turning and gurgling and boiling
what is hidden from the eyes of the world -
is the turmoil of magma and volcanic fire...

For how could i stay composed, and calm -
when my heart is beating like a frenzied drum;
how can i lie down and stay in repose, and calm -
when all that i feel is a passion that's a roaring fire!

How can i not wonder how this is all going to end -
how can i tell myself that it must be snipped and destroyed
like the worm-eaten rose bud that weeps in my garden...
how can i speak of this burning pain that tugs at the heart
and not feel it burn deeper, and sear longer than an ugly sore
that would not heal - but would only kill the heart that feels...

Looking At You

Oh it's true - each time i look at you -
it's me that i see, smiling back at me...
It's me that i see, with eyes that are mine...
with a heart that fits into mine, perfectly...

For whatever that i like and hold dear -
is also what you like and treasure...
whatever that i hate and i loathe -
also seems rather hateful to you...

How can two hearts and two souls be so alike -
that it seems they beat as one...
how can i not admit that i need not look further -
than to look in you - to find myself...

After A Long, Long Time

After a long, long time of existing,
of giving up on life, and on love -
i found love again,
and i live again...

For i feel God has deemed it fit -
to give me a second chance at life:
and i feel that He will see me safe
and bless me with love again in life;

For the great joy of giving -
and the greater joy of receiving...
for the immense joy of loving -
and the even more intense joy of being loved...

That had left on tired broken wings so long ago
Have found their way back to me:
in all their youthful glory -
in all their feathers and plume,
that i may one day march proudly to my Maker
and say: i thank Thee, God -
for all the great favours showered upon me;
and i sincerely thank Thee, God -
for giving me a second chance at love,
and a second chance at life -
that i may clearly know
what it means to love
and be loved in return...

Thank You, God, for all your blessings -
for which i am eternally thankful - Thank You...

On Beautiful Mornings

This is where i'll be:
in my garden, smelling the sweet roses,
surrounded by lovely soft blue plumbagos
and scarlet azeleas in full bloom...
and admiring the majestic orchids -
while listening to the cocks crowing,
and the birds chirping about breakfast...
and other peaceful signs of life -
like my fountains gurgling,
my windchimes jingling in the gentle breeze...

Oh on beautiful mornings like this:
i live life to the fullest,
thoughts of friends are the closest...
and i love the warm sunshine
caressing my face...

So on beautiful mornings like this:
though i am miles away from home -
and the South China Sea still beckons,
i am at peace with the world
thoughts of long deserted beaches
tall, whispering casuarinas,
and swaying coconut trees
fill all my senses with the knowledge
that i am free and alive
and that i live with love around me
and that of all God's creatures around me
i love you most...

Telling Myself What I Already Know

Oh i tell myself i should not do it -
if it's going to hurt someone;
i've told myself a thousand times over
yet, i feel, i would still do it...

For what is going to hurt someone -
is the very elixir of life for another
and if i were to stop what i'd decided to do
then it's just like killing a mocking bird in my hand...

For it is only natural to seek happiness -
and it is also natural to want to give joy;
and to help a friend rise above his misery
is to help myself rise above pettiness and pain...

So, i've made up my mind to do it just right -
for the joy that i give is also a joy that i reap...
So, God forgive me if i am wrong, or have erred
in thinking that it is just Destiny's game, for me...

A Beautiful Heart, A Beautiful Mind

A beautiful heart, will nourish a beautiful mind
and beautiful thoughts will always come to mind...
for a beautiful heart is what it takes
to create beautiful thoughts and beautiful ideas...

A beautiful heart will feel for you
and sense it when you are suffering so,
for though you keep it well-hidden from the world
a beautiful heart will see through all the fake smiles

And it takes a beautiful heart to understand -
that in trying to be magnanimous and protect others
you are eating away your heart and your mind -
and though you may laugh it off and say you don't mind,
your suffering heart will be doubly felt
by a beautiful heart that cries for you...

So, my friend, do take heed:
if, and whenever, there is a need -
whenever you have to suffer:
you will never have to suffer alone -

Take comfort in the knowledge that
a beautiful heart always suffers with you ...

"My Heart Wants to Sing"

Oh "my heart wants to sing
like a happy lark in the tree"
my heart wants to soar
as if it has snowy wings...

For it is filled with a joy so great -
that it's going to burst at the seams!
it is filled with so much hope for the future -
it's impossible to think of anything but joy!
it is full of so much love -
that it could love the whole wide world!

For it is such a long, long time -
that life is filled with misery;
it has been so, so long ago -
that the sweetness of joy is long forgotten;
it has been a long, long time of loneliness
but now life is no longer a long, tedious road to travel, alone,
it has been like a whole century of pining and suffering -
but now it's a joyous path of adventure and rediscovery...

It is a joy like the taste of good wine -
as it is swirled in every corner of the mouth:
Sweet, yet intoxicating...
satisfying, yet craving for more...

It's a Beautiful Day

It's going to be a beautiful day today, and always -
'coz i've found peace in my mind, love in my heart
It's a very, very beautiful day today -
Thanks to you, my dear friend:

You've taught me to forgive and to forget,
and to go on living, with love in my heart -
not hate, nor envy, nor greed, nor jealousy,
you've taught me to see,
that i could be a better person
if i could leave my cares behind -
and be what i'm made to be:
an icon of love and sincerity -
a teacher and model to the young,
to mould them with love - not hate...

Thank you my dear friend -
for being there when i needed guidance,
for not forsaking me when i was lost -
confused, bitter, and all, all alone,;
Thank you for bringing peace into my mind,
and love into my heart once again...

thank you for being there for me -
when i needed you most, my friend...

It's Those Little Things In Life

When big plans don't work out -
i just fall back on the little things
that make life worth living for:
i just learned to adopt and adapt
and to go on living as best i could
with what i have and can get...

For it's those little things that count -
not lavish meals, big cars,
or costly jewelery that matters -
no, not to me - they don't;
for i can very well do without these -
and still live in peace:
with sisters who shower me with love,
with a daughter who understands,
and friends who care if i am happy or sad -
or if i am glad or mad, hungry or well-fed...

These are the little things in life
that count -
these the little things in life
that matter to me...
and these are the little, little things
that keep the old heart going strong...

"I Love Rainy Days"

I love it when the skies are bright and sunny
with lovely white clouds sailing by...
but lately i seem to love rainy days
more and more
'coz it reminds me of a lonely place
long, long ago -
and the monsoon rains pouring out their love songs
so long, long ago...

They were happy memories of nostalgic moments
so long, long ago -
i wonder if you still remember the girl you 'dated'
so long, long ago...
i remember what i wore -
i remember, too, the smiles that you wore...
i remember the pain of parting -
the feeling that made the heart raw...
i remember with sorrow the look in your eyes
and how their sadness broke my heart...
and how the rain washed down the tears
and how that last look stayed in the heart
like a gaping wound that would not heal
all these long, lonely years...

And each time it rains -
the pain of that last look
came back so fresh to mind -
and the poor heart bleeds anew...

To My Friend

Dear Friend,
Here it is: the most important letter
in my life, lately,
and here's a big THANK YOU -
for what you have done:
shown me the light...
and i thank you for that!

You've shown me what i've never thought possible -
what i've never thought i might and could do,
You've taught me the lesson:
that i need not have to choose
between friendship and love -
'coz i can have both:

I've always thought
that i have to choose
between having roses and orchids,
or creepers and lavenders -
Thank you for letting me see
that my garden can grow free:
that i could love a little Napoleon
and still be faithful in my love
for a Horatio Nelson, or a Joan of Arc!

Thank you for helping me to realise
that i don't have to "play the temptress",
and discreetly spin my silken web
amidst the branches
of the casuarina tree;
then sit, and wait, slyly -
for a sympathetic heart
to fly by...

Thank you for letting me know
that i have a beautiful heart -
big enough for all:
the Napoleons, the Nelsons, the Joans,
and still have space enough
for many, many more...

Thank you for making me realise
that i need not choose,
and i need not compare -
for i could love them all
and still have more love to give
to another poor soul, who happens by...

Thank you, too, for making me see
that the river of love
will never run dry -
but will flow into the sea of plenty;
thank you for telling me -
i'll never, ever have to cry...
thank you for bringing peace into my heart,
and sweet dreams to replace the dark...

thank you for telling me
i am no evil spider -
but a beautiful, colourful butterfly...
thank you for finally making me understand
that even if the phone does not ring,
i'll be able to hear your heartbeat -
like a lonely song in the night...

And for all that i thank you,
my dear, dear friend...

Learning to take what is given

I've made you seem like a monster:
a heartless, irritable, inconsiderate prig -
and i'm sorry...(not 'coz you're none of these,
but more so 'coz i've been looking for missing links
which were never there - and never will be there)
i've been looking for love of a different kind:
where romance is in the air...
i've been looking for you to show signs of your love
which you would not do - 'coz it's just not your style...
i've been fishing for sweet nothings and mushy tales -
which you find silly - i'm sure...
and i've been looking for what has never been there -
and blaming you for not seeing to it that it's there...
i'm sorry i asked for more - much more than you could give...

For i've been brought up
to value the little things in life:
little touches of humanity, little shows of love...
i've been brought up to treasure another's efforts
and to give praise where it's due...
i've been giving presents to make someone happy-
'coz that has always been done for me...
i've grown up among sisters who share -
and can't take any selfish hoarding or robbing,
we always give and we always share...
'coz things were never not that way...

But you grew up in a different environment;
life wasn't easy, with ten in the family...
you had less to share, less to give -
so it stays in the mind: "charity begins at home"!
and you find romance a waste of time:
'coz you don't read or write Shakespeare...
so i shouldn't be blaming you -
for not being able to tell
whether i smell like a rose -
or never smelled like one;
'coz you stayed in the town centre
and grew up in a shop -
with no garden, no roses;
not eating guava, freshly plucked,
sitting on a branch, in the tree:
a story book in one hand,
a juicy guava in the other...!

So i don't blame you -
for not knowing what all men should know:
that all a lady needs is -
just a little tender loving care...

My Big Valentine

I'm not complaining,
don't get me wrong -
'coz i' m used to it,
i'm just tired of hoping anymore ...

For no day is special to you -
and none calls for a celebration:
no birthdays, no cakes, no presents -
your life must surely be dull...

When it's Xmas i got you your T-shirts,
when it's the new year you got three pairs of shoes...
when it's valentine: a new lazy chair to replace the old,
and a 9-tiered cabinet, to put in your things...
when you were in hospital, i left a love note
and three little roses by your bed -
when i was there for an op:
i had to follow the hands of the clock -
visiting hours starts at four-thirty,
you arrived at six-forty, breathing alchohol,
looking at the clock on the wall - not at me
and left - after a fidgety ten minutes -
another group of friends waiting -
another round of drinks and merry making,
while i stared at the four gray walls around me...
i just couldn't take that: i had to lift the flood gates,
and let the tears flow free...
and envied the sweet lady in the opposite bed -
her hubby was there at 6.30 every morning,
(with his briefcase and in office clothes)
standing just outside the doorway -
to watch her as she slept...
but then there were roses in an XO bottle
when my sisters came to visit:
they brought the roses, you got the XO bottle.

But i know you love me -
in your own care-less way
but i wonder if you've ever wondered -
that all a lady needs is just a little tender loving care
and i wonder one day in the future
when you stand at my grave
will you ever remember
and will there ever be
a rose bud from the garden in your hand...?

That Little Gem of an Island in the Sun

There's a love island in the sun -
a little gem that floats in the South China Sea;
It's so lovely i deem it's meant for little fairies -
to flock and floric, and flit and flirt among the trees...

For i've been there, once before,
and i've seen the those colourful beauties, big and small,
darting around the rocks, and swimming in the sea...
i've seen the rocks and boulders, strew on the hill slopes,
and pebbles and stones that line the paths, down to the sea,
and the swaying fronds of ferns and trees fringing the beach...

And i've told myself that one fine day, in spring -
when the birds are singing in the trees...
i'll be back to this little island paradise -
with the one i love most, and no one else,
to walk along the paths, hand in hand,
and admire the sunrise, perched on a rocky outcrop,
that juts out into the calm blue sea...
and feed the colourful fishes swimming underneath our balcony...

And hear you whispering with the waves in the deep blue sea,
that you'll love me, forever, and live happily, by the sea...

That Missing Half

You married her 'coz she was sweet,
and soft-spoken - or so you thought;
you knew she was active and loved outings -
but she'll change, you thought, given time...

But what you didn't expect was that she won't -
and could be very stubborn - wouldn't budge!
And the more you shouted, the angier she got -
and the more you scolded, the worse she got!
(what you didn't know or refuse to know was -
that she would have listened,
if only you had reasoned
instead of shouting
(which makes her blood boil, too!)
'coz she's a fighter
(and a fighter does not quit or retreat!)
when she is championing the rights of a woman...

She would have listened if only you had coaxed -
but no, you had to raise your voice - shout!
she would have sobered and listened
if you had told her you cared for her safety:
to be driving alone in the jungle,
or on the lonely road home to see her family...
you could have been nicer, instead of angrier,
and her heart would have melted...

And she would have understood:
that you cared - in your own way...

Little Gifts of Love

I've always wanted to give -
little mementos...
little gifts of love;
but it looks like you've never cared
or appreciated
these little gifts, from my heart...

For they are the things -
to remember me by,
'coz they are little, little things -
that i've lovingly collected;
and they are the little things -
that i braved your wrath to give to you...

Though you have never bought
anything specially to give to me
I'm still keeping that first,
and only, perfume bottle -
tho' the scent had long vapourised,
together with the romantic dreams...
all are now buried in the past -
all except that little flame of love:
kept alive by memories of the times past -
the times when you were loving or kind,
the times when you were smiling, and forgiving -
the times when love had shone in your eyes...

So, it matters not that you are always angry -
For i have the memories to keep that little flame alive:
i have the three little sea shells that i treasure -
to tell me you remembered, at least once, what i love...

"It's Destiny's Game"

It was meant as a casual meeting -
a get-together, among old friends...
But i suppose it's "Destiny's Game" -
when cupid happened to pass by,
and "when love finally came" -
so suddenly... out of the blues...

I've searched my heart,
and asked myself
many a time over:
why me...? and why now...?
and the answer came back to me:
why not? why ever not?
and deep down i want to believe
what i've always wanted to believe:
that it's Destiny,
and that God made it so -
God deemed it fit, to give me one more good friend,
to be a comfort, whenever life is a misery;
to be there to listen, when i need a sympathetic ear;
to be my shinning star, when i'm lost, and all alone...?

I'd like to think -
that God gave me a last friend...
But "It's Destiny's Game" -
"when love finally came..."

Seeking an answer - the plain truth

I've always thrashed things out -
everything - all in the mind,
for i find the truth hard to accept,
or it may hurt,
or might friendship drive away -
disolve...

Thus, i'd even denied the truth -
if it'll hurt someone;
refused to disclose a fact -
if it'll wake up the sleeping tiger;
and kept all safely locked up in the mind -
and spend sleepless nights, telling my heart,
to hide the true feelings -
lest they bring complications
in others' lives -
as well as mine...

If it's all in the mind

I've just been told by my friend:
What's in the mind,
what's not publicly disclosed,
is okay;
For whatever's in the mind,
is safely kept from the public eye,
and hurts no one,
he says...

How true - 'coz i've been doing that all this while:
keeping every thought safely to myself, in my mind...
not wanting to hurt or to offend -
mostly 'cos of the fear of adverse reaction,
when i'm too frank,
and too out-spoken...
but then it's also not fair,
to just jump to conclusions;
and to keep them all to myself -
not giving him the chance to clarify,
or to counter - whatever that is rightly judged,
or prejudiced, or far-fetched -
not giving him the chance to right the wrong,
and to put things straight - back to normal...

So, it takes a friend to know my heart,
a friend to catch what's fluttering around -
and to pin it down: the truth in life;
it takes a long lost friend to see -
the secret thoughts, and the secret dreams;
it takes a true friend, with the key, to open
the secret vaults in my heart,
and in my mind...
and to make public the most well-guarded secrets
of my lonely heart...

Thank You For Finding Me

I just want to say thank you, thank you -
for searching, thank you for finding me;
thank you, for not giving up too soon -
"when i was lost and all alone..."

You came as a blessing,
at a time when i needed a friend -
and you came just at a time when skies are gray,
and life is full of trying matters
you came at a time when i needed someone who cares
for no matter what: you've shown that you cared:
if skies are sunny - or if gray clouds are sailing by;
if i go hungry - or if i'm eating well...

You cared - and i am so glad -
if i am happy, angry, sick, or well...
You cared - and i am so blessed:
thank you, for that promise to be there for me...

"Loneliness is..."

i remember a little green book i had -
that goes something like this:
"Loneliness is..." sitting alone in the park -
on a bench meant for two...
Loneliness is walking in the rain -
with no one to share your umbrella...
and no one to share your popcorn in the cinema
or to hold your hand...

Loneliness is many things to me:
sitting alone in a cafe, sipping my coffee...
loneliness is wanting to talk to someone -
when he is not there... have errands to run, busy...
Loneliness is feeling hurt -
when someone is unkind...

Loneliness is missing a friend -
like i've never missed any before...
Loneliness is this feeling of pining
for someone - like a long lost friend...?
and not being able to tell him that -
oh no, you can't say it, not like that!
and this feeling of wanting to cry -
and yet you can't, and can't say why...

"Summer Kisses, Winter Tears"

"Summer kisses, winter tears"...
is no girl's dream -
you needn't say you love her -
a thousand times over;
she'll know when she's loved,
through all the tender loving care...

be she seventeen,
or ninety-seven -
she'll want to know that she is missed,
and that too much coffee is bad
for her health, (tho' she already knows -
it's different to know someone cares)...
and that she should just eat a little -
even if she had lost her appetite...
she'll still want to feel she's special,
she'll still need some tender loving care...
whether she is sweet seventeen -
or toothless and wrinkled, at ninety-seven:

she's still a woman -
and every woman needs some tender loving care...

"You stole my heart"

"You stole my heart" -
i know not when or how;
you just stole my heart -
"with nothing at all.."

Tho' you had not said a word,
nor through any action - none:
you just stole my heart,
for your eyes told me so...

That was how i knew i know:
the look in your eyes told me so...
you stole my heart long ago -
only i didn't know, it was so long ago...

"Sing to me"

Dear friend,
i hope you'll be there -
to "sing to me,
the song in my heart -
when my memory fails..."
i sure hope you will;
for it is you who listens,
and it is only you who hears -
that special song i love,
that special song in my heart...
and it is you who sings it well -
the song that i love so well...

For "only a friend
hears the song in my heart
and sings it to me
when my memory fails..."

Sharing a sunrise with 'mum'

Dear Mum, i've never said this to you -
(you left us so suddenly after a flu
leaving us no chance to ever say:
Mum, i love you... or goodbye, Mum...

Brought up to express love,
in what we do for each other;
not said in so many words -
so "i love you" does not come easy,
but i'm sure you know...
so did dad, on his deathbed -
when his eyes searched around,
and singled us out one by one:
though he could not speak,
i knew what he was trying to tell me...
"Yes, i know, and i'll be good -
no more temperamental 'flights of fancy';
and i'll take care of mum and sisters,
like i should..."
and all these years i've tried
to do the best i could -
to keep that promise,
to be good...

One lovely morning i saw 'mum'
sitting alone, at the lake...
i crept close, and stood by her -
and then i saw the loveliest sight:
the morning sun and the whole sky,
with fluffy clouds sailing by -
were all reflected so clearly,
on the murkey waters of the lake...
and so there she sat on the bench -
and there i stood just two steps away;
and we watched the sunrise together,
in companionable silence, as the colours
are reflected on the surface of the lake,
in all its wonderous splendour...

Finally, when all was over,
and the sun safely in the sky,
did she notice me standing close by:
she turned and smiled at the stranger,
and i smiled back at her -
and then got up and hobbled away,
(she even had Mum's gait!)
and i watched her back,
as she slowly made her way, away:
"Goodbye Mum..." i whispered after her...